I wish I could tell you.
But then I don't want to tell you at all for fear of rejection.
And I also don't want to tell you because that is just how it is...
I don't think I should because the young man should be pursuing me, not the other way around.
I feel that I am wrong for having these feelings.
I was reassured by my father that they are not wrong and quite bound to happen.
These feelings use to make me angry.
They have come and gone over the past year and a half.
More recently have they been constant and not. going. away.
I wished them away, but that didn't occur.
I have suppressed them and have done a good job with living with them with God's help.
If you are reading this, and think this is you... it may be... but no one ever really reads this blog unless I post it in facebook, which I wont'. And if this is you, say nothing of this. Especially if it is not reciprocated. I love the friendship and hope for nothing to ruin it.
I have dreams and thoughts and feelings.
I know these feelings are from God, but the hope that I have from these feelings I don't know if they are from God.
With this young man that I respect, I have prayed that we just be good friends and nothing more unless God has other plans. I don't know if a romantic relationship is part of God's plans with this friendship. I am sure now though that it is something I hope for; however, I ultimately hope in Christ. He has great plans for my life whatever that may be and I pray that I follow him.
I've learned that telling people who you admire is a really bad thing. I did very good this past summer with telling no one. And they sunk in my heart somewhere. Enough that I was distracted with another boy to even date him. I never date. That was ridiculous. But all I wanted was a friend. And when I FINALLY listened to friends...about [ironically] listening to myself and what I have said another old blog post [called Pieces of a Real Heart, about the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real]. I got out of being too close to someone I should have NEVER been so close to, and when back to how it was in the summer with friends, but no one really close, or at least to do something with at random. Then God brought me my friend Shelby. It was brilliant timing. God brought her the day after my parents had left for a month and she lives in my neighborhood and we had a blast hanging out. I see how God brought me into her life and to bible study. She has made so many friends. I am so thankful to God for her and everything. I am thankful of how he drew me back to him. Also how he drew out these feelings again for this young man. These feelings, if not for a romantic relationship one day, have helped me so much. It has brought a good friendship and God has used it to remind me of my true hopes and desires of man I hope to one day marry. And I know if I keep my eyes set on Christ, he will bring a most amazing man and that our marriage will be full of joy and love with Christ at the center.
I know that I am waiting; I am not waiting for this young man, or for any man for that matter. I am waiting on God. I am waiting for his direction for everything. Whatever I do with relationships: romantic ones and beautiful friendships, what I do in school and work and how I am involved at church. Church is going through some leadership changes, but I know that God is in control. Missions, I am not sure what God has planned. I know that school is my mission field. I know also that I love to serve him while I am waiting. I love to serve others wherever God will put me.
About this young man, he is such a good friend. I am so thankful for him.
When I think about the kind of man I want to marry. One would be that he would be a great friend. And this young man is a close friend. Closer than any other of my guy friends. Recently, I have tried to make him less close. I have tried to stop telling him things and ironically he has noticed. I am not good at hiding things, but I am able to not tell him when he asked. It makes me laugh how he was still trying to figure out what was on my mind. A big part of what was on my mind was him.
I wouldn't tell him that, no sir. And I really should be done talking to him about guys in general. Or having him talk to me about his likes and interests and whatever is going on. I do care, and as a friend, I am there for advice or feedback or whatnot. But perhaps it is not the best case.
Well I am going to go enjoy sunshine now. I am sick of wrapping presents.
